Steven Wright
“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
Laurence J. Peter
“Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear, but forgetting where you heard it.”
Robert Orben
“Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.”
Tennessee Williams
“Success and failure are equally disastrous.”
Warren Buffett
“It takes 20 years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it. If you think about that, you’ll do things differently.”
Mark Twain
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
George Washington
“However [political parties] may now and then answer popular ends, they are likely in the course of time and things, to become potent engines, by which cunning, ambitious, and unprincipled men will be enabled to subvert the power of the people and to usurp for themselves the reins of government, destroying afterwards the very engines which have lifted them to unjust dominion.”
Andy Borowitz
“It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.”
Thomas Jefferson
“Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.”
Cullen Hightower
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”